Was woken up this morning by a certain somebody dragging my legs out of the bed. I clung for dear life to stay in that bloody bed with no success. However, that certain somebody, who is in fact my dreamboat of a boyfriend made getting out of bed more appealing by telling me he was taking me to the seaside!  (experiencing some weird kind of indian summer atm!) Everything is a little better when you're by the sea! We played on the beach for a little while, hunting for shells. I came away with this tiny little one that opened like a clam (if I had my way I would've come away with a bucket full of broken shells, sea weed, random pebbles! just because!) 

Afterwards we went to Edge Hill to pick up Gem and then drove back home. We've just come in from the garden as we had the yummiest bbq! And now I'm in bed watching BB and then to spy on Gavin Henson in The Bachelor (poor Lew) xxxo

It's a well known fact that when it comes to Christmas I'm a bit of a geek... think of an excitable child (waking up at 5am on Christmas day!) Yeah, that's me. Perhaps it's something to do with being a Christmas baby (20th December) who knows... either way, I love everything Christmasy, fairy lights, Christmas songs, Christmas smells, present shopping, cold weather, silly little traditions... you name it! Anyway, I've been admiring the issue of The LUSH Times that has come through the post and got very excited at all the Christmas stuff new and old so here's a few items I'll be making sure to pick up closer to the time!

I could spend an entire wage packet in Lush but I'm super excited for Christmas smells; cinnamon, mint, tangerines, woody smells, candy canes etc etc. Like I said... excitable child! 

bowl of oranges

Little things are better, or something along the lines of "getting there". Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital for some tests and other stuff I don't understand or care to write about... It's really starting to feel like Autumn and with each day getting colder, I become a little happier... my big knitted aaron cardigan has made a come back, the summer dresses and shorts have been hidden away... Monday myself and Lewis are going to Liverpool to find new coats and in the mean time I'll occupy my ears with Bright Eyes, Brand New, A Fine Frenzy and every other artist that reminds me of this time of year.

empty

I'm haunted by thoughts of spending my favourite seasons alone. I won't see a handsome boy laced in spider bunting on Halloween. I won't stand with him in front of a bonfire admiring fireworks, I'll be lonely on my birthday but surely, worst of all will be Christmas. I won't be able to snuggle up with anyone infront of a fire, whilst he puts up with the list of cheesy films I traditionally must watch. There will be no hand over of presents and no "I love yous" and it rips me apart. It's almost as if there has been a gigantic hole punched into my chest. What am I meant to say or do? There was once a time I thought things could be fixed if I sewn together pretty sentences, describing how much that one person meant to me. Words are just that now, words. Nothing special or spectacular. They don't get me anywhere, just into trouble a lot of the time. I feel hallow and empty and everything hurts, but at the same time, I'm numb to everything. Nothing matters. Every single thing reminds me of him. Every item of clothing that I own can be linked back to a time or place spent with  him, every room in the house has seen his face, songs, television programmes, smells, everything. How am I meant to work around this when everything has been touched by him? I always knew I wasn't good enough for somebody so perfect, but my selfish side always thought I'd keep him captured and to myself forever. I wasn't ready for this... this sense of loss.

all things must pass

Something big happened and something changed. In a  split second it's like earth stopped orbiting the sun and the polar ice caps melted. My world completely crashed, my heart threw itself into my throat and I choked for what felt like eternity. I'm still catching my breath. When you realise you are completely disposable to somebody, things change. When you realise that it's possible for somebody to find it in them to scrap the book you've written together, to write something more to their own taste, without you, things change.... things change and there isn't any changing back. To let you in I bulldozed my walls down, the pretty iron walls that I'd spent years constructing and hiding behind, they came down for you... you had the key and a one way  pass to my world, to me and everything inside my head, i let you in without hesitation because i felt something. You were different and i felt safe. I've never been so attracted to somebody, so drawn to somebody... and to have that stripped away, for all of it to be pulled down and tranished with the thought that you no longer need me how i need you... i don't think things will recover from that. i'm worried. I had my golden ticket, it was in my hand but somehow, it was cruelly taken away.

if you go down to the woods

One of the first "dates" my boyfriend took me on was to Delamere Forest. It was Autumn and rainy, everything was golden and brown, we followed paths, made our own and he held my hand. At the time, I was beyond shy (i like to think that through the years I've come out of my shell and found my confidence) and he made all the conversation whilst I tried to remember to breathe. It might not of been the time of year for butterflies but there was certainly enough fluttering about my stomach. It's become something of a little tradition to go back every year, atleast once around autumn, because we're cheeeeesy. Today we wandered around as usual but came across a rope swing that swung over a little stream. I persuaded Lewis to try it... seconds after he pushed himself of the bank I heard a loud snap and he was in the middle of the stream in a pile. It's safe to say I've never giggled so much in my life, if only I'd been filming. We headed back to his house with him covered in mud and after he'd showered sat on his bed drinking cups of tea. It's the little things that really mean the most to me. We've made plans to go autumn/winter coat shopping at the end of the month. I also can't wait for other little traditions we have such as putting up the greaves household christmas tree, watching christmas films together, buying yankee candles in "winter wonderland" so that our room smells like snow, hehehe. Lovely jubbly.

cold saturday

So, finally I thought I'd join blogger so I can write about my daily-goings-on and "feelings" and all the other stuff the people of Tumblr would unfollow for (not that I don't love Tumblr! ~I do, i do!) I feel kind of empty right now... like i'm only being held down by a tiny thread, this kind of feeling can lead me  to do and say the most ridiculous and stupid things... like sometimes... we hurt other people because we hope to feel it. The more you say sorry, the less it means...  I'm stuck.